Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent.
Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the third tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
---------------
Whilst carrying out his mission activities, Explorermer Mortimer never lost sight of the fact that he was a cat of good morals and high standing. His traumatic early life had been more than made up for by the love and attention lavished upon him by mummy and daddy in the past few years. He always held mummy in high esteem for her wise decision to select him as the cat to accompany her on her important reconnaisance sorties.
Explorermer Mortimer knew that he had more than repaid their love through his many brave escapades but took pride and honour in surprising mummy and daddy on occasion.
This day had begun as most days began when mummy and daddy were at home planning for future assigments: EM and TCVEB were accompanied on their bed by mummy and daddy (always in the warm and under the covers - mummy and daddy weren't as hardy as our resolute heroes) until late in the morning. This was followed by a period of intensive preening and cleansing (by all four members of the unit) and then the amusement of watching TCVEB circle restlessly around the table legs as mummy and daddy fuelled themselves for the day ahead. Explorermer Mortimer always found much merriment in the way that TCVEB expended so much energy in the pursuit of a few crumbs when his food was already laid out welcomingly in it's bowl. EM was older and wiser and knew that the most efficient use of time and energy was to eat your own food and then return to your resting place immediately.
One thing that Explorermer Mortimer did consider, though, was whether his faithful sidekick had received some fancy, newfangled training regarding PMO, seeing as the younger TCVEB would have undergone his training several years after Explorermer Mortimer. PMO for those of you who are not familiar with mission terminology means 'the Position of Maximum Opportunity'. There was certainly no doubt that TCVEB was skilled in the art of adopting the optimum PMO. Reminiscent of the positional sense of Bobby Fischer at the height of his chess career, TCVEB manoeuvred himself adroitly to always be in the position where he could most quickly benefit from a spilled morsel or the clumsy dropping of a food item from daddy's hands or fork.
Breakfast having been consumed, Explorermer Mortimer settled himself for a day of napping. However, the warmth of the sun outside, coupled with mummy and daddy busying themselves in the garden, caught the attention of our hero. After about an hour of internal debate as to whether he could be bothered to wander outside, EM finally gave in to temptation and strolled out into the warm and bright sunshine. His plan was to soak up the rays, ponder future mission strategies and replenish his energy stocks.
TCVEB had greedily laid himself out on the pathway outside the front door and so Explorermer Mortimer decided to venture across the road to The Patch; a small expanse of lushly-grassed land not 20 metres from home. From there, if he had so cared, EM could have observed the busy scurrying of mummy and daddy as they moved pots and plants from one part of the garden to another and, occasionally, dug up a small mound of earth to deposit a young sapling or two. It was a ritual that somewhat confused Explorermer Mortimer, because he well knew that mummy and daddy would go about this exercise with much vigour and enthusiasm only to not bother maintaining their newly-bought and lovingly-placed plants until the end of summer...at which point they would then wearily dig up the dried and brittle vegetation and deposit them into the green recycling bin.
As he lay silently absorbing all the rays and heat that the sun could throw at him that afternoon, our hero used his powers of skilful dexterity and lightning reactions to deliver a reward to mummy and daddy for their love and affection. With his left eye barely open, EM spied a mouse scurrying across his line of vision. In an instant his outstretched left front paw opened, the talons extended outwards and he swiped at the mouse, felling it in a single swipe. As we are fully aware, EM has years of mission training under his belt and the common misconception of anyone observing this swift and decisive action would have been that Explorermer Mortimer had actually just stretched out his paw whilst he dozed, accidentally glancing a blow at his bewildered prey. But we, armed with our knowledge of his accomplished combat training, know otherwise.
The mouse, dazed and perplexed, staggered onto it's legs, only to lurch awkwardly onto it's side again. Explorermer Mortimer, sensing that he would face little resistance, languidly rose to his feet and gently cradled the injured mouse in his powerful jaws. Remembering the love of his mummy and daddy and doing the thing that any cat - heroic mission cat or ordinary house cat - would do, he raced eagerly across the road to present them with his gift.
Looking up from cumbersomely digging yet another small hole, daddy was astonished to see Explorermer Mortimer slowly trotting towards the open door of the house with some kind of small animal in his mouth. Remembering that Explorermer Mortimer had been extremely thoughtful throughout his life and never before injured or killed any animals (not counting the bird that flew directly into EM's gormless, gawping mouth a few years previously), daddy was unsure how to tackle this scenario. Mummy took decisive action and ordered daddy to close the front door - which he could easily do given the pedestrian speed at which EM was travelling.
As Explorermer Mortimer approached mummy and daddy, the smile on his face was just about discernible within the area that normally passed for his mouth, given that there was a medium-sized mouse in that location. He was full of expectant joy at the warm welcome, fuss and congratulations he would be receiving in just a few seconds. The excitement had clearly got to mummy and daddy, who were loudly proclaiming his arrival. Indeed, such was their excitement that he could barely make sense of what they were saying. Among the snippets of excited shouting that he heard, he just about made out:
Daddy: [excited and pleased] "what's that thing he's got in his mouth?!"
Mummy: [equally excited] "it looks like a mouse or something"
Daddy: [voice quivering with excitement] "well, what are we gonna do with it?"
Mummy: [clearly wanting the gift very quickly] "get it off him"
Daddy:[now bursting with excitement] "how?? how do I do that??"
Mummy: [frustrated with daddy because she really wants the gift that EM has delivered] "chop him on the back of the neck, get him to release it"
Daddy: [eager now, but hurting Explorermer Mortimer somewhat with his misdirected chops] "he won't let go, he won't let go. Oh... I've trod on it"
Mummy: [reaching fever pitch, now that I've released the gift] "well pick it up you stupid idiot"
Daddy: [clearly unable to control his urge to open the present] "what the hell am I supposed to do with it? [pleadingly...] I'm a vegetarian. Oh, now it's entrails are all over the path"
Mummy: [simply wanting daddy to give her the present now...nothing else matters to her] "get the dustpan and brush and sweep it up"
Daddy: [who loves mummy and EM very much and is very grateful] "Yuk!! RIGHT, I'll clear it up. Eeurghh!!"
Our very generous and thoughtful hero WAS pleased with himself. He had worked very hard to give mummy and daddy a loving present and they'd been so happy that daddy had literally fallen over with excitement. EM knew how much daddy liked surprises and was very glad to see daddy scoop up the present with a colourful purple tray and brush and then go off somewhere private to enjoy his present on his own. EM felt a pang of guilt that mummy didn't seem to get to share in the joy of the present, but consoled himself with the fact that she had been the sole beneficiary of the bird many years ago, because that was before she had formed mission relations with daddy.
There was no more excitement to be had that day. A few more holes were dug, the plants that slowly turned from lush green to dry brown were placed in those holes and faithful sidekick TCVEB contributed nothing to the effort of ensuring that reflexes were sharp for the next mission and laid on his fat tum all afternoon long.
Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly that night - his survival training had served him well, he had given mummy and daddy a present that they were clearly very excited about and he congratulated himself that his instincts and reflexes were as perfectly honed now as they were in his youth.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Adventurmer 2 - The Dive
Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent. Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the second tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
______
One of the most important aspects of training that Explorermer Mortimer completed as a young cat was to not be fazed by unexpected happenings.
It was several days after The Walk, and Explorermer Mortimer was doing his best to blend back into family life as if nothing exciting or out-of-the-ordinary had happened recently. Twenty two hours of sleep per day were punctuated only by the effort of traipsing down the stairs to eat several pouches of food and, very occasionally, allow himself a sip of water. Watching Explorermer Mortimer lap at water in his bowl is something very special indeed...the thin, pink tongue flicking out in very rapid movements and barely denting the surface of the liquid means that EM drank very little each day. This abstinence served him well on his many reconnaisance missions.
So there was nothing out of the ordinary. Both TCVEB and his leader, Explorermer Mortimer, were carrying on the pretence of living sedate (VERY sedate) lifestyles and mummy and daddy had no inkling of the next instalment of derring-do.
Spring was turning into summer and the house was warming up nicely. Even so, EM was loathe to give up his favourite spot on the middle landing, despite the fact that the bedrooms on the third floor were noticably warmer. He'd spent many months dribbling and nuzzling into the carpet and that combination convinced Explorermer Mortimer that, yes, this spot was very nice thank you very much. Spreading out at his full length, EM occupied much of the width of the walkway, laying at the end where the stairs led down to the ground floor. From this vantage point, Explorermer Mortimer could monitor all comings-and-goings into the house (he could see the front door through the bannister) whilst monitoring air traffic movements through the windows in the lounge (due west, behind him) and the landing window (due east and directly in front of him). He had not yet seen any helicopters.
On this particular day, EM and TCVEB had made the most of their daytime whilst mummy and daddy had been on their usual missions. When I say "made the most of their daytime" I, of course, mean that they had conserved energy by laying completely still for many hours at a time. In its own special way, it mirrored the way that computer hero Super Mario used to replenish his energy by leaping over obstacles on land and water to collect coins which boosted his power. It was almost exactly the same. As usual, mummy and daddy arrived home between 1800 and 1900 hours. Explorermer Mortimer and TCVEB expected that daddy would similarly conserve energy that evening on his 'energy boost chair' whilst concentrating for approximately 1.5 hours on a screen in the lounge which seemed to be predominantly green. This was the usual state of affairs whilst mummy (who clearly must not have expended as much energy as daddy on their daytime missions) buzzed around the house cooking meals, cleaning and tidying up.
However, tonight was going to be different, judging by the discussion that EM overheard soon after mummy and daddy arrived home from their latest mission. The key strategy points from the conversation were as follows:
1. Mummy would be spending some of the evening at a secret location
2. Daddy was not to be lazy and eat only cereal for dinner (this, surmised Explorermer Mortimer, must be so that daddy is fuelled ready for action in case mummy needs back-up)
3. Daddy was not to sit on his fat bottom and drink beer all night - Explorermer Mortimer could not ascertain who the person referred to by mummy as "his" was, but he sure hoped that it didn't mean Explorermer Mortimer's fat bottom. EM had enough to worry about with the seeming increase in mission activity without daddy placing his large frame on EM's bottom. Worryingly, Explorermer Mortimer noted that both he and TCVEB had fat bottoms and so there was a 50/50 chance that daddy would be partly squashing him for no apparent reason later in the evening. "I must be alert tonight", thought Explorermer Mortimer
4. Daddy is to ensure that somebody called Morty does not, under any circumstances, go near the open window on the landing if daddy is going to keep it open all evening in this heat. This "Morty" must be an enemy agent and so Explorermer Mortimer resolved to do all he could to help daddy protect the open window
Explorermer Mortimer paid careful attention whilst mummy prepared herself for her mission. He noted the pointy shoes that she placed delicately on her perfectly pedicured feet: "useful for causing painful injury to enemies", he thought. He noted the hazy aroma as she sprayed herself with what must be some kind of protective force-field - and the aroma briefly recalled for him a lost Parisian love. Finally, he noted the huge size of mummy's mission bag...and the multitude of weapons that must be concealed therein. He marvelled proudly that the weaponry was concealed beneath a mountain of items which would not give her away as the leading agent in her field.
Bearing in mind the four instructions that mummy had left, EM was on full mission-ready alert as soon as mummy stepped outside the front door and he listened carefully until he heard the gentle hum of mummy's car depart the vicinity.
Glancing in now on daddy, he was dismayed and impressed in equal measures. Mummy had been gone for less than one minute and 40 seconds and daddy had settled himself on the sofa in front of the predominantly-green screen with a bowl of Shreddies on his lap and a can of lager nestling comfortably on the new carpet to the right of his right foot. Explorermer Mortimer performed a quick sweep of the room and was satisfied to see that TCVEB was curled up on the floor beside a chair and not partially squeezed beneath daddy's buttocks.
"This is not good, not good at all", murmured Explorermer Mortimer to himself. Normally in such circumstances, EM would signal to TCVEB to come hither and join in mission activities but Explorermer Mortimer felt that there was no time to lose. Daddy clearly wasn't taking the threat of this "Morty" very seriously and so EM resolved to carry out a quick reconnaisance mission to ensure that there was no imminent danger.
Turning swiftly and heading along the landing, EM could clearly see the window that mummy was most concerned about. The window ledge was about three feet up, which was no problem - not even with the aforementioned dodgy hip and swinging underbelly combination which had momentarily hampered our hero during Adventurmer 1. Running now, there was only one thing in Explorermer Mortimer's mind...to get up onto the ledge and take a leisurely, cool-as-you-like look out through the open window and onto the area below. Leaping through the air, EM enjoyed the warm rush of the breeze through his black fur, the whoosh around his ears and the lift in his heart as the adrenalin kicked in.
Landing with both front paws on the ledge, EM gracefully brought his rear legs and paws onto the ledge. The girth of his underbelly and sheer momentum propelled him forwards. Unfortunately, the cruel, cruel previous owner of Explorermer Mortimer had cut off 95% of his tail and thus denied EM the usual balance on which a cat can rely. The momentum forwards far outweighed any braking and balancing ability that EM possessed and he disappeared promptly forwards, over the ledge and towards the ground below.
Daddy had been alerted and enlivened by the uncharacteristic accelerating padding of EM's paws on the carpet and had the distinctly sickening feeling that Explorermer Mortimer was 'making for' the open window. Dashing up out of his seat, upending Shreddies and the accompanying semi-skimmed milk all over the new carpet, but somehow managing to avoid spilling any beer from the gently rocking beer can, daddy arrived at the lounge doorway just in time to see our hero lurching through the tragically open window.
Racing down the stairs and paying no attention to his milk-stained jeans, the trail of crumbed Shreddies on the stairs or the total disinterest of TCVEB, daddy opened the front door.
There before him stood a dazed, confused but definitely intact cat. "Phewee!!!", thought daddy. "It's the first time in this relationship that I get left alone and I get asked to do one thing [we won't mention the fact that he was actually asked to do/not do many things] and I've spectacularly managed to balls that right up".
"Phewee!!!", thought EM. "What a rush that was! Please let me do it again daddy!!!". As if understanding what EM was saying, daddy scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the stairs. "Yeah!!!", thought our hero, "we're off again", but he was in for a huge disappointment as daddy carried him tantalisingly to the window and pulled it shut.
Still cradling Explorermer Mortimer, daddy sat back in his seat - showing his love for EM by disregarding the spilt Shreddies for over an hour - and proceeded to give him lots of love and strokes for at least the next 80 minutes until the screen lost it's green hue, the milk stains began to infiltrate daddy's nostrils beyond endurance and the need for a second beer forced daddy to remove EM from his lap and walk slowly downstairs.
Nothing else of note happened that evening before mummy came home. Explorermer Mortimer was pleased to report that the mysterious "Morty" never appeared, daddy divested himself of his jeans (and at the same time of his milky smell) and mummy returned home smiling and happy. Explorermer Mortimer noted that daddy did not inform mummy of EM's brave dive through the window and his efforts to intimidate "Morty" from trying to attack their base through the open window. Maybe, thought EM, he will debrief her later when I am not around.
That night, Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly; exhausted by his brave dive and thrilled by the secret commando roll which daddy never got to see.
______
One of the most important aspects of training that Explorermer Mortimer completed as a young cat was to not be fazed by unexpected happenings.
It was several days after The Walk, and Explorermer Mortimer was doing his best to blend back into family life as if nothing exciting or out-of-the-ordinary had happened recently. Twenty two hours of sleep per day were punctuated only by the effort of traipsing down the stairs to eat several pouches of food and, very occasionally, allow himself a sip of water. Watching Explorermer Mortimer lap at water in his bowl is something very special indeed...the thin, pink tongue flicking out in very rapid movements and barely denting the surface of the liquid means that EM drank very little each day. This abstinence served him well on his many reconnaisance missions.
So there was nothing out of the ordinary. Both TCVEB and his leader, Explorermer Mortimer, were carrying on the pretence of living sedate (VERY sedate) lifestyles and mummy and daddy had no inkling of the next instalment of derring-do.
Spring was turning into summer and the house was warming up nicely. Even so, EM was loathe to give up his favourite spot on the middle landing, despite the fact that the bedrooms on the third floor were noticably warmer. He'd spent many months dribbling and nuzzling into the carpet and that combination convinced Explorermer Mortimer that, yes, this spot was very nice thank you very much. Spreading out at his full length, EM occupied much of the width of the walkway, laying at the end where the stairs led down to the ground floor. From this vantage point, Explorermer Mortimer could monitor all comings-and-goings into the house (he could see the front door through the bannister) whilst monitoring air traffic movements through the windows in the lounge (due west, behind him) and the landing window (due east and directly in front of him). He had not yet seen any helicopters.
On this particular day, EM and TCVEB had made the most of their daytime whilst mummy and daddy had been on their usual missions. When I say "made the most of their daytime" I, of course, mean that they had conserved energy by laying completely still for many hours at a time. In its own special way, it mirrored the way that computer hero Super Mario used to replenish his energy by leaping over obstacles on land and water to collect coins which boosted his power. It was almost exactly the same. As usual, mummy and daddy arrived home between 1800 and 1900 hours. Explorermer Mortimer and TCVEB expected that daddy would similarly conserve energy that evening on his 'energy boost chair' whilst concentrating for approximately 1.5 hours on a screen in the lounge which seemed to be predominantly green. This was the usual state of affairs whilst mummy (who clearly must not have expended as much energy as daddy on their daytime missions) buzzed around the house cooking meals, cleaning and tidying up.
However, tonight was going to be different, judging by the discussion that EM overheard soon after mummy and daddy arrived home from their latest mission. The key strategy points from the conversation were as follows:
1. Mummy would be spending some of the evening at a secret location
2. Daddy was not to be lazy and eat only cereal for dinner (this, surmised Explorermer Mortimer, must be so that daddy is fuelled ready for action in case mummy needs back-up)
3. Daddy was not to sit on his fat bottom and drink beer all night - Explorermer Mortimer could not ascertain who the person referred to by mummy as "his" was, but he sure hoped that it didn't mean Explorermer Mortimer's fat bottom. EM had enough to worry about with the seeming increase in mission activity without daddy placing his large frame on EM's bottom. Worryingly, Explorermer Mortimer noted that both he and TCVEB had fat bottoms and so there was a 50/50 chance that daddy would be partly squashing him for no apparent reason later in the evening. "I must be alert tonight", thought Explorermer Mortimer
4. Daddy is to ensure that somebody called Morty does not, under any circumstances, go near the open window on the landing if daddy is going to keep it open all evening in this heat. This "Morty" must be an enemy agent and so Explorermer Mortimer resolved to do all he could to help daddy protect the open window
Explorermer Mortimer paid careful attention whilst mummy prepared herself for her mission. He noted the pointy shoes that she placed delicately on her perfectly pedicured feet: "useful for causing painful injury to enemies", he thought. He noted the hazy aroma as she sprayed herself with what must be some kind of protective force-field - and the aroma briefly recalled for him a lost Parisian love. Finally, he noted the huge size of mummy's mission bag...and the multitude of weapons that must be concealed therein. He marvelled proudly that the weaponry was concealed beneath a mountain of items which would not give her away as the leading agent in her field.
Bearing in mind the four instructions that mummy had left, EM was on full mission-ready alert as soon as mummy stepped outside the front door and he listened carefully until he heard the gentle hum of mummy's car depart the vicinity.
Glancing in now on daddy, he was dismayed and impressed in equal measures. Mummy had been gone for less than one minute and 40 seconds and daddy had settled himself on the sofa in front of the predominantly-green screen with a bowl of Shreddies on his lap and a can of lager nestling comfortably on the new carpet to the right of his right foot. Explorermer Mortimer performed a quick sweep of the room and was satisfied to see that TCVEB was curled up on the floor beside a chair and not partially squeezed beneath daddy's buttocks.
"This is not good, not good at all", murmured Explorermer Mortimer to himself. Normally in such circumstances, EM would signal to TCVEB to come hither and join in mission activities but Explorermer Mortimer felt that there was no time to lose. Daddy clearly wasn't taking the threat of this "Morty" very seriously and so EM resolved to carry out a quick reconnaisance mission to ensure that there was no imminent danger.
Turning swiftly and heading along the landing, EM could clearly see the window that mummy was most concerned about. The window ledge was about three feet up, which was no problem - not even with the aforementioned dodgy hip and swinging underbelly combination which had momentarily hampered our hero during Adventurmer 1. Running now, there was only one thing in Explorermer Mortimer's mind...to get up onto the ledge and take a leisurely, cool-as-you-like look out through the open window and onto the area below. Leaping through the air, EM enjoyed the warm rush of the breeze through his black fur, the whoosh around his ears and the lift in his heart as the adrenalin kicked in.
Landing with both front paws on the ledge, EM gracefully brought his rear legs and paws onto the ledge. The girth of his underbelly and sheer momentum propelled him forwards. Unfortunately, the cruel, cruel previous owner of Explorermer Mortimer had cut off 95% of his tail and thus denied EM the usual balance on which a cat can rely. The momentum forwards far outweighed any braking and balancing ability that EM possessed and he disappeared promptly forwards, over the ledge and towards the ground below.
Daddy had been alerted and enlivened by the uncharacteristic accelerating padding of EM's paws on the carpet and had the distinctly sickening feeling that Explorermer Mortimer was 'making for' the open window. Dashing up out of his seat, upending Shreddies and the accompanying semi-skimmed milk all over the new carpet, but somehow managing to avoid spilling any beer from the gently rocking beer can, daddy arrived at the lounge doorway just in time to see our hero lurching through the tragically open window.
Racing down the stairs and paying no attention to his milk-stained jeans, the trail of crumbed Shreddies on the stairs or the total disinterest of TCVEB, daddy opened the front door.
There before him stood a dazed, confused but definitely intact cat. "Phewee!!!", thought daddy. "It's the first time in this relationship that I get left alone and I get asked to do one thing [we won't mention the fact that he was actually asked to do/not do many things] and I've spectacularly managed to balls that right up".
"Phewee!!!", thought EM. "What a rush that was! Please let me do it again daddy!!!". As if understanding what EM was saying, daddy scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the stairs. "Yeah!!!", thought our hero, "we're off again", but he was in for a huge disappointment as daddy carried him tantalisingly to the window and pulled it shut.
Still cradling Explorermer Mortimer, daddy sat back in his seat - showing his love for EM by disregarding the spilt Shreddies for over an hour - and proceeded to give him lots of love and strokes for at least the next 80 minutes until the screen lost it's green hue, the milk stains began to infiltrate daddy's nostrils beyond endurance and the need for a second beer forced daddy to remove EM from his lap and walk slowly downstairs.
Nothing else of note happened that evening before mummy came home. Explorermer Mortimer was pleased to report that the mysterious "Morty" never appeared, daddy divested himself of his jeans (and at the same time of his milky smell) and mummy returned home smiling and happy. Explorermer Mortimer noted that daddy did not inform mummy of EM's brave dive through the window and his efforts to intimidate "Morty" from trying to attack their base through the open window. Maybe, thought EM, he will debrief her later when I am not around.
That night, Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly; exhausted by his brave dive and thrilled by the secret commando roll which daddy never got to see.
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