Adventurmer 3 - The Gift

Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent.


Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the third tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.


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Whilst carrying out his mission activities, Explorermer Mortimer never lost sight of the fact that he was a cat of good morals and high standing. His traumatic early life had been more than made up for by the love and attention lavished upon him by mummy and daddy in the past few years. He always held mummy in high esteem for her wise decision to select him as the cat to accompany her on her important reconnaisance sorties.


Explorermer Mortimer knew that he had more than repaid their love through his many brave escapades but took pride and honour in surprising mummy and daddy on occasion.


This day had begun as most days began when mummy and daddy were at home planning for future assigments: EM and TCVEB were accompanied on their bed by mummy and daddy (always in the warm and under the covers - mummy and daddy weren't as hardy as our resolute heroes) until late in the morning. This was followed by a period of intensive preening and cleansing (by all four members of the unit) and then the amusement of watching TCVEB circle restlessly around the table legs as mummy and daddy fuelled themselves for the day ahead. Explorermer Mortimer always found much merriment in the way that TCVEB expended so much energy in the pursuit of a few crumbs when his food was already laid out welcomingly in it's bowl. EM was older and wiser and knew that the most efficient use of time and energy was to eat your own food and then return to your resting place immediately.


One thing that Explorermer Mortimer did consider, though, was whether his faithful sidekick had received some fancy, newfangled training regarding PMO, seeing as the younger TCVEB would have undergone his training several years after Explorermer Mortimer. PMO for those of you who are not familiar with mission terminology means 'the Position of Maximum Opportunity'. There was certainly no doubt that TCVEB was skilled in the art of adopting the optimum PMO. Reminiscent of the positional sense of Bobby Fischer at the height of his chess career, TCVEB manoeuvred himself adroitly to always be in the position where he could most quickly benefit from a spilled morsel or the clumsy dropping of a food item from daddy's hands or fork.


Breakfast having been consumed, Explorermer Mortimer settled himself for a day of napping. However, the warmth of the sun outside, coupled with mummy and daddy busying themselves in the garden, caught the attention of our hero. After about an hour of internal debate as to whether he could be bothered to wander outside, EM finally gave in to temptation and strolled out into the warm and bright sunshine. His plan was to soak up the rays, ponder future mission strategies and replenish his energy stocks.

TCVEB had greedily laid himself out on the pathway outside the front door and so Explorermer Mortimer decided to venture across the road to The Patch; a small expanse of lushly-grassed land not 20 metres from home. From there, if he had so cared, EM could have observed the busy scurrying of mummy and daddy as they moved pots and plants from one part of the garden to another and, occasionally, dug up a small mound of earth to deposit a young sapling or two. It was a ritual that somewhat confused Explorermer Mortimer, because he well knew that mummy and daddy would go about this exercise with much vigour and enthusiasm only to not bother maintaining their newly-bought and lovingly-placed plants until the end of summer...at which point they would then wearily dig up the dried and brittle vegetation and deposit them into the green recycling bin.

As he lay silently absorbing all the rays and heat that the sun could throw at him that afternoon, our hero used his powers of skilful dexterity and lightning reactions to deliver a reward to mummy and daddy for their love and affection. With his left eye barely open, EM spied a mouse scurrying across his line of vision. In an instant his outstretched left front paw opened, the talons extended outwards and he swiped at the mouse, felling it in a single swipe. As we are fully aware, EM has years of mission training under his belt and the common misconception of anyone observing this swift and decisive action would have been that Explorermer Mortimer had actually just stretched out his paw whilst he dozed, accidentally glancing a blow at his bewildered prey. But we, armed with our knowledge of his accomplished combat training, know otherwise.

The mouse, dazed and perplexed, staggered onto it's legs, only to lurch awkwardly onto it's side again. Explorermer Mortimer, sensing that he would face little resistance, languidly rose to his feet and gently cradled the injured mouse in his powerful jaws. Remembering the love of his mummy and daddy and doing the thing that any cat - heroic mission cat or ordinary house cat - would do, he raced eagerly across the road to present them with his gift.

Looking up from cumbersomely digging yet another small hole, daddy was astonished to see Explorermer Mortimer slowly trotting towards the open door of the house with some kind of small animal in his mouth. Remembering that Explorermer Mortimer had been extremely thoughtful throughout his life and never before injured or killed any animals (not counting the bird that flew directly into EM's gormless, gawping mouth a few years previously), daddy was unsure how to tackle this scenario. Mummy took decisive action and ordered daddy to close the front door - which he could easily do given the pedestrian speed at which EM was travelling.

As Explorermer Mortimer approached mummy and daddy, the smile on his face was just about discernible within the area that normally passed for his mouth, given that there was a medium-sized mouse in that location. He was full of expectant joy at the warm welcome, fuss and congratulations he would be receiving in just a few seconds. The excitement had clearly got to mummy and daddy, who were loudly proclaiming his arrival. Indeed, such was their excitement that he could barely make sense of what they were saying. Among the snippets of excited shouting that he heard, he just about made out:

Daddy: [excited and pleased] "what's that thing he's got in his mouth?!"
Mummy: [equally excited] "it looks like a mouse or something"
Daddy: [voice quivering with excitement] "well, what are we gonna do with it?"
Mummy: [clearly wanting the gift very quickly] "get it off him"
Daddy:[now bursting with excitement] "how?? how do I do that??"
Mummy: [frustrated with daddy because she really wants the gift that EM has delivered] "chop him on the back of the neck, get him to release it"
Daddy: [eager now, but hurting Explorermer Mortimer somewhat with his misdirected chops] "he won't let go, he won't let go. Oh... I've trod on it"
Mummy: [reaching fever pitch, now that I've released the gift] "well pick it up you stupid idiot"
Daddy: [clearly unable to control his urge to open the present] "what the hell am I supposed to do with it? [pleadingly...] I'm a vegetarian. Oh, now it's entrails are all over the path"
Mummy: [simply wanting daddy to give her the present now...nothing else matters to her] "get the dustpan and brush and sweep it up"
Daddy: [who loves mummy and EM very much and is very grateful] "Yuk!! RIGHT, I'll clear it up. Eeurghh!!"

Our very generous and thoughtful hero WAS pleased with himself. He had worked very hard to give mummy and daddy a loving present and they'd been so happy that daddy had literally fallen over with excitement. EM knew how much daddy liked surprises and was very glad to see daddy scoop up the present with a colourful purple tray and brush and then go off somewhere private to enjoy his present on his own. EM felt a pang of guilt that mummy didn't seem to get to share in the joy of the present, but consoled himself with the fact that she had been the sole beneficiary of the bird many years ago, because that was before she had formed mission relations with daddy.

There was no more excitement to be had that day. A few more holes were dug, the plants that slowly turned from lush green to dry brown were placed in those holes and faithful sidekick TCVEB contributed nothing to the effort of ensuring that reflexes were sharp for the next mission and laid on his fat tum all afternoon long.

Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly that night - his survival training had served him well, he had given mummy and daddy a present that they were clearly very excited about and he congratulated himself that his instincts and reflexes were as perfectly honed now as they were in his youth.