Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent. Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB.
This is the fourth tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
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As has been mentioned previously, our hero is a very experienced cat, adept at mastering many various situations of peril. Explorermer Mortimer himself would willingly acknowledge that much of the confidence that he carries into these situations is as a result of his training as a young cat many years previously. This was carried out under the tutelage of mummy and must, for reasons of national security, remain secret.
Since beginning reconnaisance missions with mummy (and, later, being joined by daddy and TCVEB), Explorermer Mortimer has consistently remained on the lookout for new ways to maintain the sharpness of his combat ability and to hone new moves. Going so deep undercover presents problems which Explorermer Mortimer has had to work very hard to adapt to and overcome. Like all operatives who have blended so well into society and who cannot - indeed, must not - be identified as a secret agent, the challenge of maintaining a rigorous training regime is tough. He must ensure that he is never identified as a top combat agent and achieves this very well by lying perfectly still in one place for hours at a time. Anyone observing EM in action would be stunned by his actual inaction. Essentially, what we are saying here is, he is very good at disguising himself as a very lazy cat.
As Explorermer Mortimer has grown older and wiser, he has grown to appreciate some of the decisions that mummy has made. Six years ago, he wondered why on earth TCVEB had been recruited into the unit - especially so soon after daddy had arrived. This sudden doubling of the unit size was sure to arouse suspicions. However, he was satisfied that mummy knew what she was doing - primarily because they had quickly undergone a series of base moves which would have left the trail cold for any enemy operatives who had been tracking their movements.
Still, the decision to recruit and train TCVEB had seemed folly at the time. He clearly had been chosen on looks rather than ability. The misaligned jaw was unfortunate enough and the less said about the retained testicle, the better. The fact that TCVEB squealed like a big girl when said (or, should we say unsaid) testicle was removed only heightened the suspicion within Explorermer Mortimer that mummy had chosen poorly on this occasion.
Yet, as time has passed by, EM has grown to appreciate the logic behind mummy's decision. The recruitment of an operative who - to outsiders - appears to be equally sedentary and ineffectual was a master stroke. No-one would surely be aware that behind closed doors, TCVEB would turn out to be such an effective sparring partner. His youth, the fact that he already had the injuries (thereby avoiding arousing suspicion on his regular visit to the vet's) and a strange penchant for very irregular bursts of activity known as "mad ones" meant that he had developed into a suitable - if not perfect - training partner.
Even so, Explorermer Mortimer had been the one who had to devise the training workouts. EM surmised that mummy had given him this responsibility so that he could tailor the workouts to his own specification, given his vast experience of combat in the field.
Early training took the form of threats and intimidation. The youthful and enthusiastic TCVEB had naivety on his side and would frequently present EM with many opportunities to test out the intimidatory tactics. Explorermer Mortimer prided himself on quickly understanding the lie of the land, which he silently attributed to the years of reconnaisance mission activities which he'd undertaken. This meant that he frequently secured command positions on sofa chairs or steps above TCVEB. From this vantage point, EM could - and would - easily cuff TCVEB with a quick right-left combination, leaving his training partner stunned and bewildered.
Quickly, however, the training had to develop to become more sophisticated. Explorermer Mortimer hadn't realised his own strength and skill. It quickly became apparent that TCVEB would withdraw from the training if EM cuffed him with his claws. So EM learnt to cuff with his pads. This was clearly quite boring for Explorermer Mortimer and so he quickly worked in some more complex combinations - an uppercut here, a shot to the ribs there and when he was feeling particularly confident, a switch to southpaw or even an attack upwards from the floor or a lower step. The division in class was still very large, however. TCVEB soon began to remind Explorermer Mortimer of when the testicle had been removed due to his unnecessarily whiny squealing whenever EM commanded a dominant position on the stairs. EM quickly became frustrated by the incessant whining from his partner whenever EM was above and even below him on the stairs and TCVEB had wanted to pass.
TCVEB held a very valuable tool in ensuring that EM retained his sharpness. The "mad one" bursts of energy would often come out of the blue and surprise even such an experienced combatant as Explorermer Mortimer. On such occasions, EM would quickly regain his composure as his faithful sidekick raced from one room to another in an apparent unfocused whirlwind. The speed and changes of direction necessitated good timing on the part of our hero and he would not disappoint - landing blows with chilling accuracy and soon debilitating the young trainee. Such exercises were vital for EM to prepare him for upcoming live missions.
The years have not been kind to TCVEB and it is likely that our hero, Explorermer Mortimer, will have to devise ever more cunning ways to ensure that both he and his faithful sidekick retain operational efficiency in the combat zone. Whilst ever that EM is concocting those new training regimes, he is always very careful to maintain the facade of simply being a lazy homebody of a cat and is pleased that, in that aspect of training at least, his faithful sidekick TCVEB has learnt well.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Adventurmer 3 - The Gift
Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent.
Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the third tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
---------------
Whilst carrying out his mission activities, Explorermer Mortimer never lost sight of the fact that he was a cat of good morals and high standing. His traumatic early life had been more than made up for by the love and attention lavished upon him by mummy and daddy in the past few years. He always held mummy in high esteem for her wise decision to select him as the cat to accompany her on her important reconnaisance sorties.
Explorermer Mortimer knew that he had more than repaid their love through his many brave escapades but took pride and honour in surprising mummy and daddy on occasion.
This day had begun as most days began when mummy and daddy were at home planning for future assigments: EM and TCVEB were accompanied on their bed by mummy and daddy (always in the warm and under the covers - mummy and daddy weren't as hardy as our resolute heroes) until late in the morning. This was followed by a period of intensive preening and cleansing (by all four members of the unit) and then the amusement of watching TCVEB circle restlessly around the table legs as mummy and daddy fuelled themselves for the day ahead. Explorermer Mortimer always found much merriment in the way that TCVEB expended so much energy in the pursuit of a few crumbs when his food was already laid out welcomingly in it's bowl. EM was older and wiser and knew that the most efficient use of time and energy was to eat your own food and then return to your resting place immediately.
One thing that Explorermer Mortimer did consider, though, was whether his faithful sidekick had received some fancy, newfangled training regarding PMO, seeing as the younger TCVEB would have undergone his training several years after Explorermer Mortimer. PMO for those of you who are not familiar with mission terminology means 'the Position of Maximum Opportunity'. There was certainly no doubt that TCVEB was skilled in the art of adopting the optimum PMO. Reminiscent of the positional sense of Bobby Fischer at the height of his chess career, TCVEB manoeuvred himself adroitly to always be in the position where he could most quickly benefit from a spilled morsel or the clumsy dropping of a food item from daddy's hands or fork.
Breakfast having been consumed, Explorermer Mortimer settled himself for a day of napping. However, the warmth of the sun outside, coupled with mummy and daddy busying themselves in the garden, caught the attention of our hero. After about an hour of internal debate as to whether he could be bothered to wander outside, EM finally gave in to temptation and strolled out into the warm and bright sunshine. His plan was to soak up the rays, ponder future mission strategies and replenish his energy stocks.
TCVEB had greedily laid himself out on the pathway outside the front door and so Explorermer Mortimer decided to venture across the road to The Patch; a small expanse of lushly-grassed land not 20 metres from home. From there, if he had so cared, EM could have observed the busy scurrying of mummy and daddy as they moved pots and plants from one part of the garden to another and, occasionally, dug up a small mound of earth to deposit a young sapling or two. It was a ritual that somewhat confused Explorermer Mortimer, because he well knew that mummy and daddy would go about this exercise with much vigour and enthusiasm only to not bother maintaining their newly-bought and lovingly-placed plants until the end of summer...at which point they would then wearily dig up the dried and brittle vegetation and deposit them into the green recycling bin.
As he lay silently absorbing all the rays and heat that the sun could throw at him that afternoon, our hero used his powers of skilful dexterity and lightning reactions to deliver a reward to mummy and daddy for their love and affection. With his left eye barely open, EM spied a mouse scurrying across his line of vision. In an instant his outstretched left front paw opened, the talons extended outwards and he swiped at the mouse, felling it in a single swipe. As we are fully aware, EM has years of mission training under his belt and the common misconception of anyone observing this swift and decisive action would have been that Explorermer Mortimer had actually just stretched out his paw whilst he dozed, accidentally glancing a blow at his bewildered prey. But we, armed with our knowledge of his accomplished combat training, know otherwise.
The mouse, dazed and perplexed, staggered onto it's legs, only to lurch awkwardly onto it's side again. Explorermer Mortimer, sensing that he would face little resistance, languidly rose to his feet and gently cradled the injured mouse in his powerful jaws. Remembering the love of his mummy and daddy and doing the thing that any cat - heroic mission cat or ordinary house cat - would do, he raced eagerly across the road to present them with his gift.
Looking up from cumbersomely digging yet another small hole, daddy was astonished to see Explorermer Mortimer slowly trotting towards the open door of the house with some kind of small animal in his mouth. Remembering that Explorermer Mortimer had been extremely thoughtful throughout his life and never before injured or killed any animals (not counting the bird that flew directly into EM's gormless, gawping mouth a few years previously), daddy was unsure how to tackle this scenario. Mummy took decisive action and ordered daddy to close the front door - which he could easily do given the pedestrian speed at which EM was travelling.
As Explorermer Mortimer approached mummy and daddy, the smile on his face was just about discernible within the area that normally passed for his mouth, given that there was a medium-sized mouse in that location. He was full of expectant joy at the warm welcome, fuss and congratulations he would be receiving in just a few seconds. The excitement had clearly got to mummy and daddy, who were loudly proclaiming his arrival. Indeed, such was their excitement that he could barely make sense of what they were saying. Among the snippets of excited shouting that he heard, he just about made out:
Daddy: [excited and pleased] "what's that thing he's got in his mouth?!"
Mummy: [equally excited] "it looks like a mouse or something"
Daddy: [voice quivering with excitement] "well, what are we gonna do with it?"
Mummy: [clearly wanting the gift very quickly] "get it off him"
Daddy:[now bursting with excitement] "how?? how do I do that??"
Mummy: [frustrated with daddy because she really wants the gift that EM has delivered] "chop him on the back of the neck, get him to release it"
Daddy: [eager now, but hurting Explorermer Mortimer somewhat with his misdirected chops] "he won't let go, he won't let go. Oh... I've trod on it"
Mummy: [reaching fever pitch, now that I've released the gift] "well pick it up you stupid idiot"
Daddy: [clearly unable to control his urge to open the present] "what the hell am I supposed to do with it? [pleadingly...] I'm a vegetarian. Oh, now it's entrails are all over the path"
Mummy: [simply wanting daddy to give her the present now...nothing else matters to her] "get the dustpan and brush and sweep it up"
Daddy: [who loves mummy and EM very much and is very grateful] "Yuk!! RIGHT, I'll clear it up. Eeurghh!!"
Our very generous and thoughtful hero WAS pleased with himself. He had worked very hard to give mummy and daddy a loving present and they'd been so happy that daddy had literally fallen over with excitement. EM knew how much daddy liked surprises and was very glad to see daddy scoop up the present with a colourful purple tray and brush and then go off somewhere private to enjoy his present on his own. EM felt a pang of guilt that mummy didn't seem to get to share in the joy of the present, but consoled himself with the fact that she had been the sole beneficiary of the bird many years ago, because that was before she had formed mission relations with daddy.
There was no more excitement to be had that day. A few more holes were dug, the plants that slowly turned from lush green to dry brown were placed in those holes and faithful sidekick TCVEB contributed nothing to the effort of ensuring that reflexes were sharp for the next mission and laid on his fat tum all afternoon long.
Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly that night - his survival training had served him well, he had given mummy and daddy a present that they were clearly very excited about and he congratulated himself that his instincts and reflexes were as perfectly honed now as they were in his youth.
Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the third tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
---------------
Whilst carrying out his mission activities, Explorermer Mortimer never lost sight of the fact that he was a cat of good morals and high standing. His traumatic early life had been more than made up for by the love and attention lavished upon him by mummy and daddy in the past few years. He always held mummy in high esteem for her wise decision to select him as the cat to accompany her on her important reconnaisance sorties.
Explorermer Mortimer knew that he had more than repaid their love through his many brave escapades but took pride and honour in surprising mummy and daddy on occasion.
This day had begun as most days began when mummy and daddy were at home planning for future assigments: EM and TCVEB were accompanied on their bed by mummy and daddy (always in the warm and under the covers - mummy and daddy weren't as hardy as our resolute heroes) until late in the morning. This was followed by a period of intensive preening and cleansing (by all four members of the unit) and then the amusement of watching TCVEB circle restlessly around the table legs as mummy and daddy fuelled themselves for the day ahead. Explorermer Mortimer always found much merriment in the way that TCVEB expended so much energy in the pursuit of a few crumbs when his food was already laid out welcomingly in it's bowl. EM was older and wiser and knew that the most efficient use of time and energy was to eat your own food and then return to your resting place immediately.
One thing that Explorermer Mortimer did consider, though, was whether his faithful sidekick had received some fancy, newfangled training regarding PMO, seeing as the younger TCVEB would have undergone his training several years after Explorermer Mortimer. PMO for those of you who are not familiar with mission terminology means 'the Position of Maximum Opportunity'. There was certainly no doubt that TCVEB was skilled in the art of adopting the optimum PMO. Reminiscent of the positional sense of Bobby Fischer at the height of his chess career, TCVEB manoeuvred himself adroitly to always be in the position where he could most quickly benefit from a spilled morsel or the clumsy dropping of a food item from daddy's hands or fork.
Breakfast having been consumed, Explorermer Mortimer settled himself for a day of napping. However, the warmth of the sun outside, coupled with mummy and daddy busying themselves in the garden, caught the attention of our hero. After about an hour of internal debate as to whether he could be bothered to wander outside, EM finally gave in to temptation and strolled out into the warm and bright sunshine. His plan was to soak up the rays, ponder future mission strategies and replenish his energy stocks.
TCVEB had greedily laid himself out on the pathway outside the front door and so Explorermer Mortimer decided to venture across the road to The Patch; a small expanse of lushly-grassed land not 20 metres from home. From there, if he had so cared, EM could have observed the busy scurrying of mummy and daddy as they moved pots and plants from one part of the garden to another and, occasionally, dug up a small mound of earth to deposit a young sapling or two. It was a ritual that somewhat confused Explorermer Mortimer, because he well knew that mummy and daddy would go about this exercise with much vigour and enthusiasm only to not bother maintaining their newly-bought and lovingly-placed plants until the end of summer...at which point they would then wearily dig up the dried and brittle vegetation and deposit them into the green recycling bin.
As he lay silently absorbing all the rays and heat that the sun could throw at him that afternoon, our hero used his powers of skilful dexterity and lightning reactions to deliver a reward to mummy and daddy for their love and affection. With his left eye barely open, EM spied a mouse scurrying across his line of vision. In an instant his outstretched left front paw opened, the talons extended outwards and he swiped at the mouse, felling it in a single swipe. As we are fully aware, EM has years of mission training under his belt and the common misconception of anyone observing this swift and decisive action would have been that Explorermer Mortimer had actually just stretched out his paw whilst he dozed, accidentally glancing a blow at his bewildered prey. But we, armed with our knowledge of his accomplished combat training, know otherwise.
The mouse, dazed and perplexed, staggered onto it's legs, only to lurch awkwardly onto it's side again. Explorermer Mortimer, sensing that he would face little resistance, languidly rose to his feet and gently cradled the injured mouse in his powerful jaws. Remembering the love of his mummy and daddy and doing the thing that any cat - heroic mission cat or ordinary house cat - would do, he raced eagerly across the road to present them with his gift.
Looking up from cumbersomely digging yet another small hole, daddy was astonished to see Explorermer Mortimer slowly trotting towards the open door of the house with some kind of small animal in his mouth. Remembering that Explorermer Mortimer had been extremely thoughtful throughout his life and never before injured or killed any animals (not counting the bird that flew directly into EM's gormless, gawping mouth a few years previously), daddy was unsure how to tackle this scenario. Mummy took decisive action and ordered daddy to close the front door - which he could easily do given the pedestrian speed at which EM was travelling.
As Explorermer Mortimer approached mummy and daddy, the smile on his face was just about discernible within the area that normally passed for his mouth, given that there was a medium-sized mouse in that location. He was full of expectant joy at the warm welcome, fuss and congratulations he would be receiving in just a few seconds. The excitement had clearly got to mummy and daddy, who were loudly proclaiming his arrival. Indeed, such was their excitement that he could barely make sense of what they were saying. Among the snippets of excited shouting that he heard, he just about made out:
Daddy: [excited and pleased] "what's that thing he's got in his mouth?!"
Mummy: [equally excited] "it looks like a mouse or something"
Daddy: [voice quivering with excitement] "well, what are we gonna do with it?"
Mummy: [clearly wanting the gift very quickly] "get it off him"
Daddy:[now bursting with excitement] "how?? how do I do that??"
Mummy: [frustrated with daddy because she really wants the gift that EM has delivered] "chop him on the back of the neck, get him to release it"
Daddy: [eager now, but hurting Explorermer Mortimer somewhat with his misdirected chops] "he won't let go, he won't let go. Oh... I've trod on it"
Mummy: [reaching fever pitch, now that I've released the gift] "well pick it up you stupid idiot"
Daddy: [clearly unable to control his urge to open the present] "what the hell am I supposed to do with it? [pleadingly...] I'm a vegetarian. Oh, now it's entrails are all over the path"
Mummy: [simply wanting daddy to give her the present now...nothing else matters to her] "get the dustpan and brush and sweep it up"
Daddy: [who loves mummy and EM very much and is very grateful] "Yuk!! RIGHT, I'll clear it up. Eeurghh!!"
Our very generous and thoughtful hero WAS pleased with himself. He had worked very hard to give mummy and daddy a loving present and they'd been so happy that daddy had literally fallen over with excitement. EM knew how much daddy liked surprises and was very glad to see daddy scoop up the present with a colourful purple tray and brush and then go off somewhere private to enjoy his present on his own. EM felt a pang of guilt that mummy didn't seem to get to share in the joy of the present, but consoled himself with the fact that she had been the sole beneficiary of the bird many years ago, because that was before she had formed mission relations with daddy.
There was no more excitement to be had that day. A few more holes were dug, the plants that slowly turned from lush green to dry brown were placed in those holes and faithful sidekick TCVEB contributed nothing to the effort of ensuring that reflexes were sharp for the next mission and laid on his fat tum all afternoon long.
Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly that night - his survival training had served him well, he had given mummy and daddy a present that they were clearly very excited about and he congratulated himself that his instincts and reflexes were as perfectly honed now as they were in his youth.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Adventurmer 2 - The Dive
Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent. Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the second tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
______
One of the most important aspects of training that Explorermer Mortimer completed as a young cat was to not be fazed by unexpected happenings.
It was several days after The Walk, and Explorermer Mortimer was doing his best to blend back into family life as if nothing exciting or out-of-the-ordinary had happened recently. Twenty two hours of sleep per day were punctuated only by the effort of traipsing down the stairs to eat several pouches of food and, very occasionally, allow himself a sip of water. Watching Explorermer Mortimer lap at water in his bowl is something very special indeed...the thin, pink tongue flicking out in very rapid movements and barely denting the surface of the liquid means that EM drank very little each day. This abstinence served him well on his many reconnaisance missions.
So there was nothing out of the ordinary. Both TCVEB and his leader, Explorermer Mortimer, were carrying on the pretence of living sedate (VERY sedate) lifestyles and mummy and daddy had no inkling of the next instalment of derring-do.
Spring was turning into summer and the house was warming up nicely. Even so, EM was loathe to give up his favourite spot on the middle landing, despite the fact that the bedrooms on the third floor were noticably warmer. He'd spent many months dribbling and nuzzling into the carpet and that combination convinced Explorermer Mortimer that, yes, this spot was very nice thank you very much. Spreading out at his full length, EM occupied much of the width of the walkway, laying at the end where the stairs led down to the ground floor. From this vantage point, Explorermer Mortimer could monitor all comings-and-goings into the house (he could see the front door through the bannister) whilst monitoring air traffic movements through the windows in the lounge (due west, behind him) and the landing window (due east and directly in front of him). He had not yet seen any helicopters.
On this particular day, EM and TCVEB had made the most of their daytime whilst mummy and daddy had been on their usual missions. When I say "made the most of their daytime" I, of course, mean that they had conserved energy by laying completely still for many hours at a time. In its own special way, it mirrored the way that computer hero Super Mario used to replenish his energy by leaping over obstacles on land and water to collect coins which boosted his power. It was almost exactly the same. As usual, mummy and daddy arrived home between 1800 and 1900 hours. Explorermer Mortimer and TCVEB expected that daddy would similarly conserve energy that evening on his 'energy boost chair' whilst concentrating for approximately 1.5 hours on a screen in the lounge which seemed to be predominantly green. This was the usual state of affairs whilst mummy (who clearly must not have expended as much energy as daddy on their daytime missions) buzzed around the house cooking meals, cleaning and tidying up.
However, tonight was going to be different, judging by the discussion that EM overheard soon after mummy and daddy arrived home from their latest mission. The key strategy points from the conversation were as follows:
1. Mummy would be spending some of the evening at a secret location
2. Daddy was not to be lazy and eat only cereal for dinner (this, surmised Explorermer Mortimer, must be so that daddy is fuelled ready for action in case mummy needs back-up)
3. Daddy was not to sit on his fat bottom and drink beer all night - Explorermer Mortimer could not ascertain who the person referred to by mummy as "his" was, but he sure hoped that it didn't mean Explorermer Mortimer's fat bottom. EM had enough to worry about with the seeming increase in mission activity without daddy placing his large frame on EM's bottom. Worryingly, Explorermer Mortimer noted that both he and TCVEB had fat bottoms and so there was a 50/50 chance that daddy would be partly squashing him for no apparent reason later in the evening. "I must be alert tonight", thought Explorermer Mortimer
4. Daddy is to ensure that somebody called Morty does not, under any circumstances, go near the open window on the landing if daddy is going to keep it open all evening in this heat. This "Morty" must be an enemy agent and so Explorermer Mortimer resolved to do all he could to help daddy protect the open window
Explorermer Mortimer paid careful attention whilst mummy prepared herself for her mission. He noted the pointy shoes that she placed delicately on her perfectly pedicured feet: "useful for causing painful injury to enemies", he thought. He noted the hazy aroma as she sprayed herself with what must be some kind of protective force-field - and the aroma briefly recalled for him a lost Parisian love. Finally, he noted the huge size of mummy's mission bag...and the multitude of weapons that must be concealed therein. He marvelled proudly that the weaponry was concealed beneath a mountain of items which would not give her away as the leading agent in her field.
Bearing in mind the four instructions that mummy had left, EM was on full mission-ready alert as soon as mummy stepped outside the front door and he listened carefully until he heard the gentle hum of mummy's car depart the vicinity.
Glancing in now on daddy, he was dismayed and impressed in equal measures. Mummy had been gone for less than one minute and 40 seconds and daddy had settled himself on the sofa in front of the predominantly-green screen with a bowl of Shreddies on his lap and a can of lager nestling comfortably on the new carpet to the right of his right foot. Explorermer Mortimer performed a quick sweep of the room and was satisfied to see that TCVEB was curled up on the floor beside a chair and not partially squeezed beneath daddy's buttocks.
"This is not good, not good at all", murmured Explorermer Mortimer to himself. Normally in such circumstances, EM would signal to TCVEB to come hither and join in mission activities but Explorermer Mortimer felt that there was no time to lose. Daddy clearly wasn't taking the threat of this "Morty" very seriously and so EM resolved to carry out a quick reconnaisance mission to ensure that there was no imminent danger.
Turning swiftly and heading along the landing, EM could clearly see the window that mummy was most concerned about. The window ledge was about three feet up, which was no problem - not even with the aforementioned dodgy hip and swinging underbelly combination which had momentarily hampered our hero during Adventurmer 1. Running now, there was only one thing in Explorermer Mortimer's mind...to get up onto the ledge and take a leisurely, cool-as-you-like look out through the open window and onto the area below. Leaping through the air, EM enjoyed the warm rush of the breeze through his black fur, the whoosh around his ears and the lift in his heart as the adrenalin kicked in.
Landing with both front paws on the ledge, EM gracefully brought his rear legs and paws onto the ledge. The girth of his underbelly and sheer momentum propelled him forwards. Unfortunately, the cruel, cruel previous owner of Explorermer Mortimer had cut off 95% of his tail and thus denied EM the usual balance on which a cat can rely. The momentum forwards far outweighed any braking and balancing ability that EM possessed and he disappeared promptly forwards, over the ledge and towards the ground below.
Daddy had been alerted and enlivened by the uncharacteristic accelerating padding of EM's paws on the carpet and had the distinctly sickening feeling that Explorermer Mortimer was 'making for' the open window. Dashing up out of his seat, upending Shreddies and the accompanying semi-skimmed milk all over the new carpet, but somehow managing to avoid spilling any beer from the gently rocking beer can, daddy arrived at the lounge doorway just in time to see our hero lurching through the tragically open window.
Racing down the stairs and paying no attention to his milk-stained jeans, the trail of crumbed Shreddies on the stairs or the total disinterest of TCVEB, daddy opened the front door.
There before him stood a dazed, confused but definitely intact cat. "Phewee!!!", thought daddy. "It's the first time in this relationship that I get left alone and I get asked to do one thing [we won't mention the fact that he was actually asked to do/not do many things] and I've spectacularly managed to balls that right up".
"Phewee!!!", thought EM. "What a rush that was! Please let me do it again daddy!!!". As if understanding what EM was saying, daddy scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the stairs. "Yeah!!!", thought our hero, "we're off again", but he was in for a huge disappointment as daddy carried him tantalisingly to the window and pulled it shut.
Still cradling Explorermer Mortimer, daddy sat back in his seat - showing his love for EM by disregarding the spilt Shreddies for over an hour - and proceeded to give him lots of love and strokes for at least the next 80 minutes until the screen lost it's green hue, the milk stains began to infiltrate daddy's nostrils beyond endurance and the need for a second beer forced daddy to remove EM from his lap and walk slowly downstairs.
Nothing else of note happened that evening before mummy came home. Explorermer Mortimer was pleased to report that the mysterious "Morty" never appeared, daddy divested himself of his jeans (and at the same time of his milky smell) and mummy returned home smiling and happy. Explorermer Mortimer noted that daddy did not inform mummy of EM's brave dive through the window and his efforts to intimidate "Morty" from trying to attack their base through the open window. Maybe, thought EM, he will debrief her later when I am not around.
That night, Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly; exhausted by his brave dive and thrilled by the secret commando roll which daddy never got to see.
______
One of the most important aspects of training that Explorermer Mortimer completed as a young cat was to not be fazed by unexpected happenings.
It was several days after The Walk, and Explorermer Mortimer was doing his best to blend back into family life as if nothing exciting or out-of-the-ordinary had happened recently. Twenty two hours of sleep per day were punctuated only by the effort of traipsing down the stairs to eat several pouches of food and, very occasionally, allow himself a sip of water. Watching Explorermer Mortimer lap at water in his bowl is something very special indeed...the thin, pink tongue flicking out in very rapid movements and barely denting the surface of the liquid means that EM drank very little each day. This abstinence served him well on his many reconnaisance missions.
So there was nothing out of the ordinary. Both TCVEB and his leader, Explorermer Mortimer, were carrying on the pretence of living sedate (VERY sedate) lifestyles and mummy and daddy had no inkling of the next instalment of derring-do.
Spring was turning into summer and the house was warming up nicely. Even so, EM was loathe to give up his favourite spot on the middle landing, despite the fact that the bedrooms on the third floor were noticably warmer. He'd spent many months dribbling and nuzzling into the carpet and that combination convinced Explorermer Mortimer that, yes, this spot was very nice thank you very much. Spreading out at his full length, EM occupied much of the width of the walkway, laying at the end where the stairs led down to the ground floor. From this vantage point, Explorermer Mortimer could monitor all comings-and-goings into the house (he could see the front door through the bannister) whilst monitoring air traffic movements through the windows in the lounge (due west, behind him) and the landing window (due east and directly in front of him). He had not yet seen any helicopters.
On this particular day, EM and TCVEB had made the most of their daytime whilst mummy and daddy had been on their usual missions. When I say "made the most of their daytime" I, of course, mean that they had conserved energy by laying completely still for many hours at a time. In its own special way, it mirrored the way that computer hero Super Mario used to replenish his energy by leaping over obstacles on land and water to collect coins which boosted his power. It was almost exactly the same. As usual, mummy and daddy arrived home between 1800 and 1900 hours. Explorermer Mortimer and TCVEB expected that daddy would similarly conserve energy that evening on his 'energy boost chair' whilst concentrating for approximately 1.5 hours on a screen in the lounge which seemed to be predominantly green. This was the usual state of affairs whilst mummy (who clearly must not have expended as much energy as daddy on their daytime missions) buzzed around the house cooking meals, cleaning and tidying up.
However, tonight was going to be different, judging by the discussion that EM overheard soon after mummy and daddy arrived home from their latest mission. The key strategy points from the conversation were as follows:
1. Mummy would be spending some of the evening at a secret location
2. Daddy was not to be lazy and eat only cereal for dinner (this, surmised Explorermer Mortimer, must be so that daddy is fuelled ready for action in case mummy needs back-up)
3. Daddy was not to sit on his fat bottom and drink beer all night - Explorermer Mortimer could not ascertain who the person referred to by mummy as "his" was, but he sure hoped that it didn't mean Explorermer Mortimer's fat bottom. EM had enough to worry about with the seeming increase in mission activity without daddy placing his large frame on EM's bottom. Worryingly, Explorermer Mortimer noted that both he and TCVEB had fat bottoms and so there was a 50/50 chance that daddy would be partly squashing him for no apparent reason later in the evening. "I must be alert tonight", thought Explorermer Mortimer
4. Daddy is to ensure that somebody called Morty does not, under any circumstances, go near the open window on the landing if daddy is going to keep it open all evening in this heat. This "Morty" must be an enemy agent and so Explorermer Mortimer resolved to do all he could to help daddy protect the open window
Explorermer Mortimer paid careful attention whilst mummy prepared herself for her mission. He noted the pointy shoes that she placed delicately on her perfectly pedicured feet: "useful for causing painful injury to enemies", he thought. He noted the hazy aroma as she sprayed herself with what must be some kind of protective force-field - and the aroma briefly recalled for him a lost Parisian love. Finally, he noted the huge size of mummy's mission bag...and the multitude of weapons that must be concealed therein. He marvelled proudly that the weaponry was concealed beneath a mountain of items which would not give her away as the leading agent in her field.
Bearing in mind the four instructions that mummy had left, EM was on full mission-ready alert as soon as mummy stepped outside the front door and he listened carefully until he heard the gentle hum of mummy's car depart the vicinity.
Glancing in now on daddy, he was dismayed and impressed in equal measures. Mummy had been gone for less than one minute and 40 seconds and daddy had settled himself on the sofa in front of the predominantly-green screen with a bowl of Shreddies on his lap and a can of lager nestling comfortably on the new carpet to the right of his right foot. Explorermer Mortimer performed a quick sweep of the room and was satisfied to see that TCVEB was curled up on the floor beside a chair and not partially squeezed beneath daddy's buttocks.
"This is not good, not good at all", murmured Explorermer Mortimer to himself. Normally in such circumstances, EM would signal to TCVEB to come hither and join in mission activities but Explorermer Mortimer felt that there was no time to lose. Daddy clearly wasn't taking the threat of this "Morty" very seriously and so EM resolved to carry out a quick reconnaisance mission to ensure that there was no imminent danger.
Turning swiftly and heading along the landing, EM could clearly see the window that mummy was most concerned about. The window ledge was about three feet up, which was no problem - not even with the aforementioned dodgy hip and swinging underbelly combination which had momentarily hampered our hero during Adventurmer 1. Running now, there was only one thing in Explorermer Mortimer's mind...to get up onto the ledge and take a leisurely, cool-as-you-like look out through the open window and onto the area below. Leaping through the air, EM enjoyed the warm rush of the breeze through his black fur, the whoosh around his ears and the lift in his heart as the adrenalin kicked in.
Landing with both front paws on the ledge, EM gracefully brought his rear legs and paws onto the ledge. The girth of his underbelly and sheer momentum propelled him forwards. Unfortunately, the cruel, cruel previous owner of Explorermer Mortimer had cut off 95% of his tail and thus denied EM the usual balance on which a cat can rely. The momentum forwards far outweighed any braking and balancing ability that EM possessed and he disappeared promptly forwards, over the ledge and towards the ground below.
Daddy had been alerted and enlivened by the uncharacteristic accelerating padding of EM's paws on the carpet and had the distinctly sickening feeling that Explorermer Mortimer was 'making for' the open window. Dashing up out of his seat, upending Shreddies and the accompanying semi-skimmed milk all over the new carpet, but somehow managing to avoid spilling any beer from the gently rocking beer can, daddy arrived at the lounge doorway just in time to see our hero lurching through the tragically open window.
Racing down the stairs and paying no attention to his milk-stained jeans, the trail of crumbed Shreddies on the stairs or the total disinterest of TCVEB, daddy opened the front door.
There before him stood a dazed, confused but definitely intact cat. "Phewee!!!", thought daddy. "It's the first time in this relationship that I get left alone and I get asked to do one thing [we won't mention the fact that he was actually asked to do/not do many things] and I've spectacularly managed to balls that right up".
"Phewee!!!", thought EM. "What a rush that was! Please let me do it again daddy!!!". As if understanding what EM was saying, daddy scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the stairs. "Yeah!!!", thought our hero, "we're off again", but he was in for a huge disappointment as daddy carried him tantalisingly to the window and pulled it shut.
Still cradling Explorermer Mortimer, daddy sat back in his seat - showing his love for EM by disregarding the spilt Shreddies for over an hour - and proceeded to give him lots of love and strokes for at least the next 80 minutes until the screen lost it's green hue, the milk stains began to infiltrate daddy's nostrils beyond endurance and the need for a second beer forced daddy to remove EM from his lap and walk slowly downstairs.
Nothing else of note happened that evening before mummy came home. Explorermer Mortimer was pleased to report that the mysterious "Morty" never appeared, daddy divested himself of his jeans (and at the same time of his milky smell) and mummy returned home smiling and happy. Explorermer Mortimer noted that daddy did not inform mummy of EM's brave dive through the window and his efforts to intimidate "Morty" from trying to attack their base through the open window. Maybe, thought EM, he will debrief her later when I am not around.
That night, Explorermer Mortimer slept soundly; exhausted by his brave dive and thrilled by the secret commando roll which daddy never got to see.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Adventurmer 1 - The Walk
Once upon a time there was a brave and wise cat named Explorermer Mortimer. Really, he was only called Mortimer, but "Explorermer" denotes that he was an explorer of very special talent. Explorermer Mortimer lived with his mummy and daddy and his faithful sidekick, TCVEB. This is the first tale of Explorermer Mortimer and his many adventures.
--------
It was one of those fairly dull and cloudy days that you'll all know about. The sun had poked tantalisingly onto the top of Explorermer Mortimer's head a couple of times in the early morning, whilst he slowly manouevred himself around the living room to catch the rays and warmth as the sun shone in through the window. It was a ritual that he followed every day without fail...even on the days when mummy and daddy were at home. Their efforts to tempt him to move - via offers of food, the dangling of a piece of string or a loving nudge with a foot - were doomed to failure when he was not in Explorermer mode.
On this particular day, the sun had hidden out of view for a good few hours and Explorermer Mortimer sensed action. The tinny jangle of a lead and the soft rubs of fabric as shoelaces were tied and a jumper pulled over a head meant only one thing: TCVEB and daddy were going on a reconnaisance mission! Ever thankful of the training he'd undergone many years previously, Explorermer Mortimer roused himself from his slumber and broke into a gentle trot down the stairs. Taking great care not to look at all bothered or interested in the fact that TCVEB and daddy were getting ready to go out, Explorermer Mortimer nonchalantly meandered towards the front door. The timing was perfect - a few seconds later and daddy gently opens the door for his favourite little cat to go outside and get some fresh air. Explorermer Mortimer heads due east and quickly takes cover behind the front right wheel of a pale blue Alfa Romeo. Daddy's Alfa Romeo.
TCVEB, tethered to daddy by a light brown lead, heads north immediately after exiting the front door. "He always heads north" thought Explorermer Mortimer, suddenly realising that maybe his faithful sidekick may be becoming a little too set in his ways. After a good fifteen seconds, Explorermer Mortimer feels it's safe to poke his head out and is satisfied that they are keeping the usual sedate pace. "Good", thinks Explorermer Mortimer, "don't bring attention to yourselves. Nice and steady, nice and steady", he wills them on.
Keeping a safe distance of about thirty feet between himself and the lead team of two, our intrepid explorer moves stealthily along. The heavily populated area provides Explorermer Mortimer with plenty of car wheels to use as cover. As TCVEB and daddy move swiftly west, then north, our hero winks confidently to his compatriots outside the house of the Crazy Old Man Who Feeds Cats and, with a spring in his step, uses the shadows and a couple of fence posts to vary his cover. He's infused with bravado, adrenalin and, yes, a sense of derring-do. "This is going well", he thinks to himself.
Moving along now at a slightly more rapid pace, the dodgy hip and his swinging underbelly remind EM that he's not as young as he used to be. Still, they're not exactly racing along up ahead, so it's easy to maintain a steady gap between them - although the camouflage cover is becoming more sparse and there's an eerie silence spreading around the vicinity. The silence was to prove his undoing.
TCVEB and daddy rounded the corner up ahead, heading sharply west. This was crucial now: there was a period of up to 15 seconds where they would not be in his view. The high brick wall saw to that. Sprinting now created more sharp reminders of the painful hip injury of his youth and one-too-many treats dragging down his belly made the effort to keep up with his prey harder than it ought to have been. Little did EM know, but this rapid sprint would blow his cover. Previously, the sedate pace had not triggered the small tinkling bell around his neck but moving at this speed, he may as well have been blasting a klaxon horn and announcing "Hey, I'm here right behind you and have been following you all along!!!".
Rounding the corner, our brave little cat glances up ahead and sees daddy and TCVEB within sight; over the road, but within sight. Looking left, then right, Explorermer Mortimer crosses the little-used road and welcomes the presence of a row of parked cars to sidle closer. Little did he know that daddy had heard the tinkling and was grinning to himself. "Mortimer has joined us again" he mumbled...half to himself and half to TCVEB.
Here's where our story takes a sudden and more adventurous twist. If there had been earlier tales of The Adventures of Explorermer Mortimer then you would know that this wasn't the first time that EM had joined daddy and TCVEB on a reconnaisance mission. You would also know that it wasn't the first time that daddy had grinned to himself that the brave little cat had been secretly following along. So let's just pretend that there HAD been previous tales and that you DO know this. And what you would know, therefore, is that daddy had NEVER left the confines of the village before and that this tale is special, exciting and somewhat filled with trepidation, because it's the first time EM had crossed The Road over to The Lake.
You'll be delighted to know that daddy felt confident in his young charge and that he felt sure that EM would benefit from broadening his horizons. It would build his strength of character, his stamina and his worldly experience. So even though daddy was fully aware of EM's presence, on he pressed over the little bridge over the river and through the underpass which took them under The Road and over to The Lake.
Explorermer Mortimer continued to make good ground. His heartbeat picked up a few notches as he took in this brave new world. The one time he'd followed daddy and TCVEB on this route, they had turned back before the river bridge - and he'd had to dive smartly into an alleyway to avoid detection. So EM's sense of derring-do reached fever pitch as he watched daddy and TCVEB (and their shadows) disappear, then reappear, several times as they passed the lights of the underpass and then beyond and up the incline on the other side.
"What kind of mission is this?", he thought to himself. "I must stay calm and draw on all my training to keep myself undetected. And given the length of this mission, it's lucky I had my usual three pouches of food before lunchtime".
Moving swiftly now, EM enjoyed the lengthening and shortening of his body as he moved through the underpass. If he'd had more time, he'd have revelled in the glory and rhythm of his swinging belly and the stubby little tail that barely featured on the shadows flickering quickly on the walls.
Danger lurked quickly as EM emerged into the light of the incline up towards The Lake. His faithful - albeit often dim-witted - sidekick TCVEB nearly blew his cover by circling and faffing before finding a suitable piece of grass upon which to relieve himself. TCVEB's delay might have been well-intentioned in buying EM some time to catch them up, but Explorermer Mortimer had experienced his ineptitude too many times and saw it for what it really was: a greedy, ponderous dog had eaten too many treats and was now squatting inconsiderately on the beautifully manicured lawns of The Lake. EM was very relieved to see that daddy moved in swiftly to contain the offensive deposit in a fragranced orange bag, which he quickly dropped daintily into a red bin full of similarly fragranced bags.
Thankfully daddy was in too much of a hurry to glance back and notice our exposed hero and EM thought once again how glad he was that TCVEB's faffing was at direct odds with the more purposeful intentions of daddy. "If my faithful sidekick had his way, we'd never get to start any missions unless they were missions to find treats or sleep to conserve energy to find treats later".
EM took the opportunity to take in his surroundings. To the north was a small hillock which daddy and TCVEB were climbing. Following carefully and emerging over the top, he was greeted with a fantastic vista - a blue lake spread out before him, fringed at every edge with reeds, shallow inclines upon which ducks played and black swans squatted. North east, an informal grassy verge divided the lake from a small river. North west, a path wound from the farthest edge of The Lake all the way back round to the underpass behind him. And down over his left shoulder, to the south west was another, smaller lake filled with many more birds and ducks. Very interestingly, EM noted a helipad. "Hmm, useful for our future faraway missions. I wonder if daddy has clocked that yet".
Drinking in the stunning views, EM almost forgot that he should be closely following the lead reconnaisance team of daddy and TCVEB, but no matter. Up ahead, he could see that daddy was gently coaxing TCVEB back in this direction again and Explorermer Mortimer took cover in some reeds on the edge of the lake. (You may have guessed that, in truth, daddy felt this was quite far enough for today for - as he called him - Mortimer and that they'd best be getting back now or mummy might get cross. But we won't let our brave hero know that).
Glancing left, then right, EM rose gently from the shadows of the reeds and trotted carefully down the embankment towards the underpass. TCVEB seemed to be pressing on quite quickly now and Explorermer Mortimer suspected that the inducement of a treat might be behind his faithful sidekick's sudden haste. Nonetheless, a quick glance back from daddy whilst EM was in open ground caught him totally off-guard. Inexplicably, daddy didn't seem to notice EM and our little hero once again thanked his military training for his ability to stop suddenly and blend into any background - even freshly-mown grass - because there cannot be any other reason that daddy didn't spot him there and then.
The journey back was very uneventful. For once, sidekick TCVEB performed his duty to perfection - tugging on his lead and quickly taking daddy back to base. EM began to regret his thoughts of how incompetent TCVEB often seemed to be and thought how he might praise him when they compared mission notes later. But that thought soon passed.
Using the cars as cover gave EM plenty of opportunity to avoid the frequent glances that daddy seemed to be performing. "He really is a good reconnaisance leader", thought Explorermer Mortimer, "constantly being aware of what's going on around him. If I wasn't such a stealthy explorermer myself, he would have seen me, but lesser mortals won't be so lucky and TCVEB and I can relax whenever we go on missions with daddy in the future. Of that I can be sure".
Once they rounded the big brick wall, EM relaxed and dropped back markedly. Letting daddy and TCVEB move on towards home, Explorermer Mortimer headed east down an oft-used alley and meandered towards his compadres at the Crazy Old Man Who Feeds Cats house. Half an hour of conversing and carousing later and he deigned to head over to base camp and await daddy or mummy opening the door. At which point he casually strolled in, buried his head in a juicy pouch of food which had been emptied into his bowl and grinned smugly to himself.
"It's been a good day", he thought. Enlightening, opening up new boundaries and - yes - that helipad seems very interesting. Very interesting indeed.
That night our hero dreamt of helicopters.
--------
It was one of those fairly dull and cloudy days that you'll all know about. The sun had poked tantalisingly onto the top of Explorermer Mortimer's head a couple of times in the early morning, whilst he slowly manouevred himself around the living room to catch the rays and warmth as the sun shone in through the window. It was a ritual that he followed every day without fail...even on the days when mummy and daddy were at home. Their efforts to tempt him to move - via offers of food, the dangling of a piece of string or a loving nudge with a foot - were doomed to failure when he was not in Explorermer mode.
On this particular day, the sun had hidden out of view for a good few hours and Explorermer Mortimer sensed action. The tinny jangle of a lead and the soft rubs of fabric as shoelaces were tied and a jumper pulled over a head meant only one thing: TCVEB and daddy were going on a reconnaisance mission! Ever thankful of the training he'd undergone many years previously, Explorermer Mortimer roused himself from his slumber and broke into a gentle trot down the stairs. Taking great care not to look at all bothered or interested in the fact that TCVEB and daddy were getting ready to go out, Explorermer Mortimer nonchalantly meandered towards the front door. The timing was perfect - a few seconds later and daddy gently opens the door for his favourite little cat to go outside and get some fresh air. Explorermer Mortimer heads due east and quickly takes cover behind the front right wheel of a pale blue Alfa Romeo. Daddy's Alfa Romeo.
TCVEB, tethered to daddy by a light brown lead, heads north immediately after exiting the front door. "He always heads north" thought Explorermer Mortimer, suddenly realising that maybe his faithful sidekick may be becoming a little too set in his ways. After a good fifteen seconds, Explorermer Mortimer feels it's safe to poke his head out and is satisfied that they are keeping the usual sedate pace. "Good", thinks Explorermer Mortimer, "don't bring attention to yourselves. Nice and steady, nice and steady", he wills them on.
Keeping a safe distance of about thirty feet between himself and the lead team of two, our intrepid explorer moves stealthily along. The heavily populated area provides Explorermer Mortimer with plenty of car wheels to use as cover. As TCVEB and daddy move swiftly west, then north, our hero winks confidently to his compatriots outside the house of the Crazy Old Man Who Feeds Cats and, with a spring in his step, uses the shadows and a couple of fence posts to vary his cover. He's infused with bravado, adrenalin and, yes, a sense of derring-do. "This is going well", he thinks to himself.
Moving along now at a slightly more rapid pace, the dodgy hip and his swinging underbelly remind EM that he's not as young as he used to be. Still, they're not exactly racing along up ahead, so it's easy to maintain a steady gap between them - although the camouflage cover is becoming more sparse and there's an eerie silence spreading around the vicinity. The silence was to prove his undoing.
TCVEB and daddy rounded the corner up ahead, heading sharply west. This was crucial now: there was a period of up to 15 seconds where they would not be in his view. The high brick wall saw to that. Sprinting now created more sharp reminders of the painful hip injury of his youth and one-too-many treats dragging down his belly made the effort to keep up with his prey harder than it ought to have been. Little did EM know, but this rapid sprint would blow his cover. Previously, the sedate pace had not triggered the small tinkling bell around his neck but moving at this speed, he may as well have been blasting a klaxon horn and announcing "Hey, I'm here right behind you and have been following you all along!!!".
Rounding the corner, our brave little cat glances up ahead and sees daddy and TCVEB within sight; over the road, but within sight. Looking left, then right, Explorermer Mortimer crosses the little-used road and welcomes the presence of a row of parked cars to sidle closer. Little did he know that daddy had heard the tinkling and was grinning to himself. "Mortimer has joined us again" he mumbled...half to himself and half to TCVEB.
Here's where our story takes a sudden and more adventurous twist. If there had been earlier tales of The Adventures of Explorermer Mortimer then you would know that this wasn't the first time that EM had joined daddy and TCVEB on a reconnaisance mission. You would also know that it wasn't the first time that daddy had grinned to himself that the brave little cat had been secretly following along. So let's just pretend that there HAD been previous tales and that you DO know this. And what you would know, therefore, is that daddy had NEVER left the confines of the village before and that this tale is special, exciting and somewhat filled with trepidation, because it's the first time EM had crossed The Road over to The Lake.
You'll be delighted to know that daddy felt confident in his young charge and that he felt sure that EM would benefit from broadening his horizons. It would build his strength of character, his stamina and his worldly experience. So even though daddy was fully aware of EM's presence, on he pressed over the little bridge over the river and through the underpass which took them under The Road and over to The Lake.
Explorermer Mortimer continued to make good ground. His heartbeat picked up a few notches as he took in this brave new world. The one time he'd followed daddy and TCVEB on this route, they had turned back before the river bridge - and he'd had to dive smartly into an alleyway to avoid detection. So EM's sense of derring-do reached fever pitch as he watched daddy and TCVEB (and their shadows) disappear, then reappear, several times as they passed the lights of the underpass and then beyond and up the incline on the other side.
"What kind of mission is this?", he thought to himself. "I must stay calm and draw on all my training to keep myself undetected. And given the length of this mission, it's lucky I had my usual three pouches of food before lunchtime".
Moving swiftly now, EM enjoyed the lengthening and shortening of his body as he moved through the underpass. If he'd had more time, he'd have revelled in the glory and rhythm of his swinging belly and the stubby little tail that barely featured on the shadows flickering quickly on the walls.
Danger lurked quickly as EM emerged into the light of the incline up towards The Lake. His faithful - albeit often dim-witted - sidekick TCVEB nearly blew his cover by circling and faffing before finding a suitable piece of grass upon which to relieve himself. TCVEB's delay might have been well-intentioned in buying EM some time to catch them up, but Explorermer Mortimer had experienced his ineptitude too many times and saw it for what it really was: a greedy, ponderous dog had eaten too many treats and was now squatting inconsiderately on the beautifully manicured lawns of The Lake. EM was very relieved to see that daddy moved in swiftly to contain the offensive deposit in a fragranced orange bag, which he quickly dropped daintily into a red bin full of similarly fragranced bags.
Thankfully daddy was in too much of a hurry to glance back and notice our exposed hero and EM thought once again how glad he was that TCVEB's faffing was at direct odds with the more purposeful intentions of daddy. "If my faithful sidekick had his way, we'd never get to start any missions unless they were missions to find treats or sleep to conserve energy to find treats later".
EM took the opportunity to take in his surroundings. To the north was a small hillock which daddy and TCVEB were climbing. Following carefully and emerging over the top, he was greeted with a fantastic vista - a blue lake spread out before him, fringed at every edge with reeds, shallow inclines upon which ducks played and black swans squatted. North east, an informal grassy verge divided the lake from a small river. North west, a path wound from the farthest edge of The Lake all the way back round to the underpass behind him. And down over his left shoulder, to the south west was another, smaller lake filled with many more birds and ducks. Very interestingly, EM noted a helipad. "Hmm, useful for our future faraway missions. I wonder if daddy has clocked that yet".
Drinking in the stunning views, EM almost forgot that he should be closely following the lead reconnaisance team of daddy and TCVEB, but no matter. Up ahead, he could see that daddy was gently coaxing TCVEB back in this direction again and Explorermer Mortimer took cover in some reeds on the edge of the lake. (You may have guessed that, in truth, daddy felt this was quite far enough for today for - as he called him - Mortimer and that they'd best be getting back now or mummy might get cross. But we won't let our brave hero know that).
Glancing left, then right, EM rose gently from the shadows of the reeds and trotted carefully down the embankment towards the underpass. TCVEB seemed to be pressing on quite quickly now and Explorermer Mortimer suspected that the inducement of a treat might be behind his faithful sidekick's sudden haste. Nonetheless, a quick glance back from daddy whilst EM was in open ground caught him totally off-guard. Inexplicably, daddy didn't seem to notice EM and our little hero once again thanked his military training for his ability to stop suddenly and blend into any background - even freshly-mown grass - because there cannot be any other reason that daddy didn't spot him there and then.
The journey back was very uneventful. For once, sidekick TCVEB performed his duty to perfection - tugging on his lead and quickly taking daddy back to base. EM began to regret his thoughts of how incompetent TCVEB often seemed to be and thought how he might praise him when they compared mission notes later. But that thought soon passed.
Using the cars as cover gave EM plenty of opportunity to avoid the frequent glances that daddy seemed to be performing. "He really is a good reconnaisance leader", thought Explorermer Mortimer, "constantly being aware of what's going on around him. If I wasn't such a stealthy explorermer myself, he would have seen me, but lesser mortals won't be so lucky and TCVEB and I can relax whenever we go on missions with daddy in the future. Of that I can be sure".
Once they rounded the big brick wall, EM relaxed and dropped back markedly. Letting daddy and TCVEB move on towards home, Explorermer Mortimer headed east down an oft-used alley and meandered towards his compadres at the Crazy Old Man Who Feeds Cats house. Half an hour of conversing and carousing later and he deigned to head over to base camp and await daddy or mummy opening the door. At which point he casually strolled in, buried his head in a juicy pouch of food which had been emptied into his bowl and grinned smugly to himself.
"It's been a good day", he thought. Enlightening, opening up new boundaries and - yes - that helipad seems very interesting. Very interesting indeed.
That night our hero dreamt of helicopters.
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